past entries
Month Date, Year ★★★★★
The best is yet to come!
March 25th, 2026 ★★★★
Whoops!
That was quite the hiatus; sorry! I'm not great at sticking to long-term projects. I've been updating the site here and there but I have another project now— my photo journal— that I've been directing my attention to. It's spring break now and so much has happened, and yet it feels like the time just slipped away! Let me recall...
Went to winter formal with my friends, and even though it was with fewer people than expected, it was much fun and I'm glad I went. I typically have a huge amount of disdain for school events but, I don't know, I caved 'cause I like dressing up and I like dancing. It is what it is. Spending lots of good peaceful time with Birdboy. Concerned about other odd factors of another friendship that I'm afraid I started. You know the works? Just lots of movement in life right now. Quiet, small movement, but it's active all the same.
I'm absolutely obsessed with Pinback right now. It's all my brain wants to think about. I know I was a pretty huge fanatic before now but I watched that frickin' Cat's Cradle preformance from 2002 and the brainworm finally caught me. There are so many perfect moments in a lot of different versions of their songs, especially live, and I want to add them to the Pinback section of the site but seriously don't have the time to figure that out right now. Maybe if this lasts 'til summer I can try it out then? ;)
I'm afraid I'm going through a bit of a depressive period. I can't bring myself to put energy into a lot of things. I'm glad this is happening over the break but what happens next week? Will I be okay Monday? Will I have finally figured out how to sleep by then? And there are so many projects... I just want to do them. And yet I still can't.
In my mind, I feel like I've grown too tall and can't fit anywhere anymore. Like, lightning, hot and light blue, rises up from inside my skin and radiates out into the rest of my room. Like I fucked up and ate the little cake that said eat me first. I'm stuck in one room all the time and want to run as quickly as I can from whatever's trying to trap me. Is this what it's supposed to feel like? Hey, it's like the pain star! That's me, and I'm running in and out of lives like ball lightning waiting for someone to get close enough to reach out and touch my light. What an interesting way to live.
I hope next time I update it can be on a more positive note. I'm sure it will. Didn't this happen last year, too?
January 30th, 2026 ★★★
UGH!
This month has been a year, and this entry could contain a lot of aimless venting about a lack of purpose and an overabundance of isolation, or it could be about the better things I'm living with right now. This year has a lot in store for me so I'd rather focus on the positive in the beginning. Be prepared to get deep into the struggle at a later date, but for today we can just stay in the moment. ---Okay. Lemme shut my gob now. Let's get into the fun stuff!
I finished and have submitted my portfolio for my university application!!!! I'm so unbeliveably excited and ecstatic that it's complete! After stressing for months about the finished product I can proudly say that it is more than medicore. It's actually quite good. Now let's just hope and pray that the admissions team at the school thinks that as well... Though I don't doubt that my work at least has some intrigue to it. I won't sell myself short. I know that I'm a good artist. I take pride in that as someone who isn't good at very many other things. I don't mean to put anyone down, because of course, everyone works on their own schedule and not everybody's skillset is going to follow the same timeline-- I know this! However, during the handful of times that I've visited the campus of the school I've seen art created by first-year undergrad students students in previous years and some of it is... Well, I'll put it like this: It makes me question how competitive the application process really is for me. There are so many wonderful, talented people that are in the foundation program at the school, and I can only hope with all of my might that I can have the oppurtunity to work alongside them in the future. Despite this, though, there's always going to be the exceptions. And I have seen a few too many exceptions.
I really don't have anything else to say about my month because all it's been is portfolio, portfolio, portfolio, soul-crushing loneliness, portfolio, portfolio, dreams where Birdboy really does love me, dreams where everything goes back to how it was in the Before, portfolio, portfolio, setting shit on fire in the middle of the night. That last one was also a portfolio thing. Fuck my fucking life.
I'm going to go play Animal Crossing now. Thanks for checking in. Bye bye. :)
January 8th, 2026 ★★★★
Hello world! This will be my first time trying to keep up with a digital blog. I rarely post my actual thoughts on social media, let alone share my actual thoughts in general, but I figured that maybe a good consistent creative output with little-to-no pressure and zero weight would be good for me this year. I’ll start with a life update.
Currently, I am seventeen years old and in my final year of high school. It’s been an interesting and complex relationship with my school and I for a little while now. However, I live in a pretty off-kilter town, so interesting and complex relationships are a dime a dozen for myself and everyone around me. Lately I’ve been distanced from a good chunk of my friends and have been trying to enjoy existing all on my lonesome. I don’t have much of a problem with it until I remember I'm a grad and should be... I don't know. Having fun. I don’t really care. This shit all stinks.
New year's resolution: CULTIVATE JOY. Speaking of which...
I just got home a little while ago from hanging out with... Let's say... Birdboy. This is my current best friend and sort-of-not-so-secret forbidden love *huge gasp, hand fan, swoon* who I have been seeing a lot of lately. We’ve been friends for many, many years but have only really begun to get super close in the last little while. They’re incredibly funny and intelligent and really so out of this world in a way that has had me in a clutch for the longest time. I joke about obsessing over them all the time (which I do, and for good reason) but I really think that I’ve done my job trailing the bit out so long that nobody knows it’s actually telling of a much deeper truth. I can’t let any of my internal bullshittery impact my friendships as it has so often done before because I know exactly what that can lead to. Plus, there are many personal things barring them from ever reciprocating all this mess. So I really know I’m fucked.
Godddddd and I’m so fucking pathetic I can’t believe I’m really spending my time chasing a person so intensely not just emotionally but I guess also physically now too. Fuck. My. Chud. Ass. Life. I mean it’s really just the same shit as this one get-well package I made in ninth grade with money I didn’t have and still don’t have for some dumb boy who went on to become a dumb man. Not to compare this to old garbage, as it definitely does not deserve that. Not yet, anyways. I hope???? I just hate chasing daydreams and losing my dignity along the way. Because this is not about a dumb man!!! Really fucking disgusting the way I curl up and smile maniacally at the late-night thought of this. I can't stop thinking about their stupid
Whatever. Ignoring it. Birdboy and I have gotten up to some interesting situations in our time together. I like their willingness to commit to what I perceive as danger. Real rebel-type. For the last little while since some defining moments in our friendship, and even before then, I’ve felt crazy. Lovestruck. DISGUSTINGGGG!!!!!!!! Is that so wrong? Maybe the moment of vulnerability, in some fucked up way, has made my sick brain latch onto the idea that something sweet could grow out of the nothingfest that is our dynamic. Not to say there’s anything bad with that at all. I just logically know that there’s no growing tension or heated moments between us in the slightest. Just… Simple things. I like simple things now, I guess. Never thought to expect that.
I’m stuck here thinking that I’m going to make a difference in this situation somehow. Like anything is different than how it was before... Shit happened. The only thing that has changed in how badly I want it. I can’t stop feeling something clean and hollow inside. Like a wind washing over me in these winter storms. Soothing somehow. Isn’t that fucked up? Over them? Something so precious and deep. What a difficult position I’ve gotten myself into. How do I stop feeling so deeply the things that I always do?
January has been so weird as a whole though so I can’t even really blame myself. Eight days in and I’m already feeling confused about where this is all supposed to go. Maybe this is all one big bout of confusion or some kind of simple dream that I’m laying shallow in? Something that fucks up my opinions on things. On people… On everything. I could excuse it over and over again. Nothing will take back the thoughts, but maybe if I’m sorry at least to myself about it I can prevent them from reaching their breaking point.
I want a lot of things. I want so badly for a real moment. I want action and change and excitement. I want something to happen so I can forget about the trail of dirt that has followed me so far. I want some kind of holy rain to clean off my shoes so I can dance.
Fuck. I just want them so bad. But if they don’t want me I won’t hold them back. I just can't stop the feeling that my feelings are going to make this all go up in flames.
So anyways thanks I guess I don't know. That's all for right now.
