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Last updated: January 8th, 2026
Hello world! This will be my first time trying to keep up with a digital blog. I rarely post my actual thoughts on social media, let alone share my actual thoughts in general, but I figured that maybe a good consistent creative output with little-to-no pressure and zero weight would be good for me this year. I’ll start with a life update.
Currently, I am seventeen years old and in my final year of high school. It’s been an interesting and complex relationship with my school and I for a little while now. However, I live in a pretty off-kilter town, so interesting and complex relationships are a dime a dozen for myself and everyone around me. Lately I’ve been distanced from a good chunk of my friends and have been trying to enjoy existing all on my lonesome. I don’t have much of a problem with it until I remember I'm a grad and should be... I don't know. Having fun. I don’t really care. This shit all stinks.
New year's resolution: CULTIVATE JOY. Speaking of which...
I just got home a little while ago from hanging out with... Let's say... McShits. This is my current best friend and sort-of-not-so-secret forbidden love *huge gasp, hand fan, swoon* who I have been seeing a lot of lately. We’ve been friends for many, many years but have only really begun to get super close in the last little while. They’re incredibly funny and intelligent and really so out of this world in a way that has had me in a clutch for the longest time. I joke about obsessing over them all the time (which I do, and for good reason) but I really think that I’ve done my job trailing the bit out so long that nobody knows it’s actually telling of a much deeper truth. I can’t let any of my internal bullshittery impact my friendships as it has so often done before because I know exactly what that can lead to. Plus, there are many personal things barring them from ever reciprocating all this mess. So I really know I’m fucked.
Godddddd and I’m so fucking pathetic I can’t believe I’m really spending my time chasing a person so intensely not just emotionally but I guess also physically now too. Fuck. My. Chud. Ass. Life. I mean it’s really just the same shit as this one get-well package I made in ninth grade with money I didn’t have and still don’t have for some dumb boy who went on to become a dumb man. Not to compare this to old garbage, as it definitely does not deserve that. Not yet, anyways. I hope???? I just hate chasing daydreams and losing my dignity along the way. Because this is not about a dumb man!!! Really fucking disgusting the way I curl up and smile maniacally at the late-night thought of this. I can't stop thinking about their stupid
Whatever. Ignoring it. McShits and I have gotten up to some interesting situations in our time together. I like their willingness to commit to what I perceive as danger. Real rebel-type. For the last little while since some defining moments in our friendship, and even before then, I’ve felt crazy. Lovestruck. DISGUSTINGGGG!!!!!!!! Is that so wrong? Maybe the moment of vulnerability, in some fucked up way, has made my sick brain latch onto the idea that something sweet could grow out of the nothingfest that is our dynamic. Not to say there’s anything bad with that at all. I just logically know that there’s no growing tension or heated moments between us in the slightest. Just… Simple things. I like simple things now, I guess. Never thought to expect that.
I’m stuck here thinking that I’m going to make a difference in this situation somehow. Like anything is different than how it was before... Shit happened. The only thing that has changed in how badly I want it. I can’t stop feeling something clean and hollow inside. Like a wind washing over me in these winter storms. Soothing somehow. Isn’t that fucked up? Over them? Something so precious and deep. What a difficult position I’ve gotten myself into. How do I stop feeling so deeply the things that I always do?
January has been so weird as a whole though so I can’t even really blame myself. Eight days in and I’m already feeling confused about where this is all supposed to go. Maybe this is all one big bout of confusion or some kind of simple dream that I’m laying shallow in? Something that fucks up my opinions on things. On people… On everything. I could excuse it over and over again. Nothing will take back the thoughts, but maybe if I’m sorry at least to myself about it I can prevent them from reaching their breaking point.
I want a lot of things. I want so badly for a real moment. I want action and change and excitement. I want something to happen so I can forget about the trail of dirt that has followed me so far. I want some kind of holy rain to clean off my shoes so I can dance.
Fuck. I just want them so bad. But if they don’t want me I won’t hold them back. I just can't stop the feeling that my feelings are going to make this all go up in flames.
So anyways thanks I guess I don't know. That's all for right now.
