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Last updated: January 30th, 2026

I'm updating because I feel like shit and I can't say this to anybody at all. We'll end on a positive note with some exciting life updates so lock the fuck in. This month has been a year.

I’m going to feel needed one day I’m going to feel needed one day I’m going to feel needed one day I’m going to feel needed one day I’m going to feel needed one day I’m going to feel needed one day I swear to fucking high hell that I will feel needed one day. My presence will be needed. My presence will be wanted. Someone will want me and need my existence. I won’t have to give it everything that I’ve ever managed to muster up for someone. One day I will be loved simply just for loving. I won’t rip myself apart to feed you. It’s okay that right now I don’t serve a purpose in anyone’s life. Correction. I have a purpose. I just don’t feel it. One day someone will make me feel needed and wanted and I will come first and this will pay off.

These three years of solitude will pay off. I can’t believe I’m getting this fucking emotional over this because I’m not a jealous person. I’m not a jealous person I just want someone to try. To try to learn what is kind to me. I will feel needed and necessary. My life has meaning I fucking promise it has so much meaning and I know one day someone will understand how deep it runs. How fucking deep it runs. How lonely it’s been. You will want to understand me. I don’t know who yet but I know you will. I will understand you and need you like I always will and I will care like I do and this time it will mean something. It will mean something more than just being too much. Feeling too deep. Hurting too bad. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I know I will. You won’t make me feel like too much. And you won’t make me feel like too little. I’ll be just right and that will be enough. I will be enough. I am enough and you will fucking see me.

---Okay. Lemme shut my gob now. Let's get into the fun stuff!

I finished and have submitted my portfolio for my university application!!!! I'm so unbeliveably excited and ecstatic that it's complete! After stressing for months about the finished product I can proudly say that it is more than medicore. It's actually quite good. Now let's just hope and pray that the admissions team at the school thinks that as well... Though I don't doubt that my work at least has some intrigue to it. I won't sell myself short. I know that I'm a good artist. I take pride in that as someone who isn't good at very many other things. I don't mean to put anyone down, because of course, everyone works on their own schedule and not everybody's skillset is going to follow the same timeline-- I know this! However, during the handful of times that I've visited the campus of the school I've seen art created by first-year undergrad students students in previous years and some of it is... Well, I'll put it like this: It makes me question how competitive the application process really is for me. There are so many wonderful, talented people that are in the foundation program at the school, and I can only hope with all of my might that I can have the oppurtunity to work alongside them in the future. Despite this, though, there's always going to be the exceptions. And I have seen a few too many exceptions.

I really don't have anything else to say about my month because all it's been is portfolio, portfolio, portfolio, soul-crushing loneliness, portfolio, portfolio, dreams where McShits really does love me, dreams where everything goes back to how it was in the Before, portfolio, portfolio, setting shit on fire in the middle of the night. That last one was also a portfolio thing. Fuck my fucking life.

I'm going to go play Animal Crossing now. Thanks for checking in. Bye.